Hilarious post by Janet Reid from Query Shark!

posted in: query letters, the query shark | 0

This morning I saw this post and I just had to share it! Janet Reid from Query Shark (if you’re a writer and don’t know about this website….hurry up! Sign up for it asap!)

Here’s Janet’s rendition of the “worst query letter ever.”

To sign up for her blog click here Query Shark

Attention Madam Shark,

But Surely They Don’t Apply To ME is an absolutely marvelous story. I know you will be delighted with my attached partial manuscript of 285,000 words.

The protagonist, who is known for her skill at slinging burgers, Lily ‘Princess’ Lollipop, was born in a town.

She grew up there with Johnny and Ted and Alfred and Michael and George (who was actually a girl but she much preferred to pretend to be a boy and so she refused to go by the name Georgina and even cut her hair short which made her mom really mad but her dad didn’t care just as he never cared about anything about her which was, of course, the reason she was pretending to be a boy in the first place) and a bunch of other people I won’t tell you about because that would be Name Soup and I’ve read your blog where you say that is a bad thing.

Now Shark Soup, that could be tasty and even a good pot of Stone Soup can be fun, but I must remember to stay away from the Name Soup. Now where was I? Oh yes, the protagonist. I’ve told you about the protagonist so I’m supposed to move on now to the conflict.

But do you really want the conflict first? It really won’t make sense unless I give you the backstory!

How Princess Lollipop got her name and who she met, it’s all so much more important than what’s going to happen. And trust me, you’ll need to know about the real life character she’s based on in order to understand the themes I’m using this character to illustrate. You are going to love these themes! And so will people from every walk of life.

People who enjoyed The DaVinci Code or Outlander or even The Road will adore But Surely They Don’t Apply To ME.

You see, the Princess is really a secret alien. Her race is sort of like vampires but also crossed with were-rabbits (which are really nasty creatures, don’t let those big eyes and long, soft ears fool you). That makes them very pettable aliens but also thirsty for blood.

They’ve been on the planet for a long time, as evidenced by the killer bunny in Monty Python’s A Holy Grail. And because they are being hunted by the FBI (the CIA determining that the vampire-were-rabbit-aliens were strictly an internal American problem) they are very nervous and shy creatures.

Except when love could be involved. Then their lust for heart blood comes to the four.

But it’s when Princess Lollipop starts stripping to support her younger brother and hopefully regain her family’s birthright that everything interesting starts happening.

But Surely They Don’t Apply To ME is a fantasy fictional novel that is a fabulous romp through the various countrysides of places I’ve visited. I’ve also spent hours googling were-rabbits and feel completely and utterly and assuredly confident that I am as close to an expert on were-rabbits as this planet, no, this universe has ever seen!

I know, I know, you’ve said that it’s 130,000 maximum for a novel but I’m telling you that this novel is the best that you’ve ever seen and you will be exstatic that you’ll get to spend so much longer reading and reviewing and editing my story. I did mention that my sister read it and she thought it was the best thing she’d ever put her eyes upon? Every one of the 318,000 words is completely precious and perfect.

As for me, I’ve written stories and essays and papers since first grade and every grade thereafter. I then got a job at a gas station.Then I went to work at a copy centre where I would sometimes get to bind people’s writing into booklets. Now I’m a manicurist.

I’ve joined every writing group in the tri-state area (I don’t actually live in a tri-state area, but it sounds good, don’t you think?) and while somehow I keep getting dropped off their email lists, I’m still their biggest fan!

Thank you so very very much for reading my email and I know with all the joy my heart possesses that you are absolutely going to LOVE my story. I’m waiting by the phone to hear from you but don’t worry, if you haven’t called me within the next two days, I’ll call you.

Or maybe stop by your office. That probably works better, don’t you think?

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