I wrote this essay for one of my best friends in the world – Denise (last name should not be disclosed) – we’ve been friends for a VERY long time now – but this is exactly how it was becoming her friend! Muccer – I love you!
My best friend Denise is a psychopath. She seems awful nice and super cool in the start – like you literally can’t help but love her from day one.
She quickly puts you through the highly intensive “Denise’s New Best Friend Training.”
First, the gym: We’re beautiful, we’re here, we’re happening, we’re hot, we’re unstoppable – we make Madonna look like Rosanne Barr.
Second, you are bombarded with strange music no one’s ever heard, but she and God loves…and no one else is worthy… she calls it “girl music” (ie, Tori Amos).
Third, you get intoxicated with school: We’re studying, we’re smart, we’re in college, we registered and bought the books…we are NOT studying, we’re skipping class instead and going to Little Caesars exclusively for the bread-sticks, suddenly we are getting a D…dropping the class – and we are learning to never go to school with Denise.
Fourth, you go through Denise’s one day immersion course “Meet All My Wonderful Friends and They Will Quickly Heart You – Just Quickly Heart Them!” This consists of meeting Denise’s other friends (or alumni of her course) at the Macaroni Grill and hearing a bunch of funny Denise stories while we sit around the table and sip wine…gonna need a lot for this one.
Finally, you go through the “Denise Post Best Friend Test” – this is a test intelligently and keenly designed by Denise. Basically, she will get mad at you for anything you say or do after the “Post Best Friend Test” has begun, and at that point all pencils down – you have failed.
I guess having a friend like Denise pays…at least for a good essay, right?